Days NOT in Mariposa’s Office: A Dinosaur’s Complaint About Christmas

I don’t like Christmastime. I realize I just posted a short story where I played the part of Scrooge, but that has no bearing whatsoever on the previous statement. Really, I don’t dislike Christmas, just Christmastime (big difference). And the reason I dislike it has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas at all.

The reason I dislike it is because my boss always disappears this time of year. And it traumatizes me so much I disappear from the face of the earth (a.k.a. not interacting on social media). Sometimes she disappears for one day. Sometimes two days. Sometimes even three days. But this time, it was a whole two weeks! Just last Saturday she came waddling in at 4:00 am, half-dazed, wearing a pair of glittery mouse ears, and crashed into her office chair.

“You’re back!” I roared, so excited I forgot to scold her, but my excitement wore off after a few seconds and I remembered. “How could you let yourself get kidnapped?”

“Huh?” She asked, too sleepy to be intelligent. “Oh, that. I just went on vacation.”

“Same thing.” I retorted. “Fun kidnapped you and wouldn’t let you go until you deposited the ransom money at a hotel.”

She would have argued the point further, except she didn’t hear the point since she fell asleep on my tail. When she finally woke up, she told about some of the highlights and lowlights of her disappearance (I mean, vacation):

—acting like a kid again and participating in three different Christmas scavenger hunts (she saw a lot of older adults doing it so the awkwardness was mutual). One of the scavenger hunts cost if you wanted a prize and a map, but she wasn’t gonna pay $7.99 for a 50¢ Card (yes, that was the prize—Disney World is very generous), so she snapped a photo of the map and did it on her own for free.

—not having me along.

—buying a Star Wars shirt. The significance of this fact being she’s never seen Star Wars and yet she bought it anyway because she liked the colors (human financial investment problems).

—Riding a rented speedboat for FREE! She was waiting in line for the regular, free boat taxi. A boat had already come and gone, but it didn’t have much room on it and she wasn’t able to get on (since Disney had the brilliant idea off having the boat stop at another resort first so it doesn’t have enough room for the people at her hotel). Anyway, one of the boat skippers drove up in a speedboat and offered to take whoever couldn’t fit on the regular boat! And for your information, speedboats are much faster, and therefore, cooler.

—not having me along.

—getting three blisters on the same foot by wearing comfortable shoes that turned out not so comfortable.

—not having me along.

—she tried an iced coffee mocha and must have been poisoned in the head because she liked it (you can imagine my horror)! Apparently Disney had used their magic to cast a spell on her to make her drink it pleasurably.

—not having me along.

—becoming addicted to baking shows. The best thing playing on TV was nothing. In hopes of finding some entertaining Christmas commercials, she switched it to Food Network. It all started with a gingerbread making competition. The next day, it was a cookie making competition. Most nights after that, she was hungry.

—she grabbed somebody, in the dark, during the Haunted Mansion ride and made them scream like it was part of the effects.*

—not having me along.

—seeing a bald eagle that wasn’t in a cage. Now she wants to a haired eagle.

—not having me along.

—drowning. She was waiting for the show, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bam. It was supposed to be a Christmas show, but since it was too warm for snow, the sky settled for a melted blizzard (a.k.a. a downpour). Several people abandoned the area, thus forcing her to face the elements alone. Thankfully, she came through it mostly dry (one advantage of being petit is that an umbrella covers her better). Except for her shoes. Don’t smell them.

—she brought me back a breathtaking card (she probably knew she’d need some way to appease my dinosaurian wrath over her leaving). Isn’t it great, though?

Now that her vacation is over, I can rest assured she won’t be disappearing for two weeks again. But with this being Christmas, she’s liable to disappear for a day or two to do something stupid like baking cookies or something. She’s assured me she will pop in her office occasionally and may even write something.

I have yet to be convinced.

How about you? Do you write during the holidays? Where do you like to go on vacation?

*Authorosaurus’s note: this person was a relative. She does not make a habit of grabbing random people in the dark. She only makes a habit of attacking people she likes. Don’t get on her good side for the sake of your health.

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