I’ve always wondered where you non-writing people got the notion that most writers like to drink coffee. My boss lady can’t stand it (though she does pleasantly sniff it from time to time). She doesn’t even drink coffee when it’s drowned in chocolate, smothered in sugar, pumped with syrups, and squirted with a whole can of whipped cream. Not even a mildly espresso-flavored chocolate bar meets her approval. Believe me, if it was up to her, it wouldn’t have been tea they’d been dumping during the Boston Tea Party.
As for me, my tolerance level is slightly higher, but then we dinosaurs don’t have to worry about running into coffee that much. Except for when somebody makes my ink wrong…
Either way, I’m letting all you coffee-haters know that you are not alone. There are others. Like me. And my boss lady. And…and…well, who ever said numbers were important?
So for all the coffee-loathers out there, the next time someone thinks you’re weird, just list one of these six hazards of drinking coffee to make them think you’re even weirder.
Coffee Caution #1: Calories
Taken in small doses, this poison has minimal effect upon the body, however, a continual guzzlement of the product may result in seats breaking, floors cracking, clothes busting, and multiple trips to the gym (and physical exercise distracts writers from exercising their minds).
Besides, who can write when the floor caves in under your weight because you gained an extra five tons (this problem only exists among dinosaurs—you need not fear sinking floors if you are a human).
Coffee Caution #2: Caffeine
This substance may not always harm the body, but a small sip can induce wakefulness, preventing authors from sleeping and resting their minds. It can also produce a false sense of hilarity, causing authors to giggle at anything and thus making the general public think we’re nuts (or rather, more of a nut than we already are).
Coffee Caution #3 Choking
Even if specimens can withstand the overpowering influence of this poison, the sheer taste of it will initiate a fit of coughing, wheezing, and gagging. This inevitably results in rewriting (because you sputtered the brown liquid all over your notebooks).
Coffee Caution #4 Combustion
If somehow your tongue miraculously recovers from tasting this poison, your throat will not be able to escape. Even avowed coffee addicts will attest to the numerous times the steam has scorched their mouths and burned their esophagus. (Why do you think Saurbucks always writes “Caution: hot” on their cups?)
However, beware of trying to escape this fate by purchasing frozen poison instead. The cold will numb your brain so you can’t think and hence, not write.
Coffee Caution #5: Craving
If you manage to survive these potential hazards, the grossness of the product will wear off and drinkers will begin to develop an infatuation with the poison. Symptoms include (but are not limited to): making multiple trips to Saurbucks, grumpy syndrome in mornings until said product is poured in mouth, collecting mugs, and drooling over latte-shaped pillows. All of this leads to a rather empty pocket, rather than money spent on necessary writing utensils.
Coffee Caution #6: Corrosion
The cravings of the product will undoubtedly compel drinkers to set a cup of this poison next to them every time they write. And every time drinkers touch the cup, it has the deadly potential of being knocked over onto the keyboard, which will then cause it to corrode and stop working, which will cause them to stop writing, which will cause them to live a normal life (and no writer wants that). Either that or it will catch on fire and burn down the house, which is not half as devastating as those 1,000 words they just wrote that didn’t get saved.
After supplying coffee lovers with these warnings, if they still insist the poison isn’t fatal, just tell them they are full of beans (because they are).
It’s only fair that I let you coffee-lovers have your say. What are some reasons you think coffee will make you a successful writer?
Disclosure: These are the opinions of an espresso-intolerant lizard. Do not try using these reasonings at home, at your local coffee shop, or in your writing community.